YOUR LOCAL NEWS FAMILY

Each local television news team encourages viewers to think of them as family.  They have slogans like:

“WHFY---We’re Here For You.”

“All you need to know, from our heart to yours.”

“Channel 8 is on your side.”

The implication is, “We’re not sure whose side those people over on channel 6 are on, but we’re on your side.” 

The news anchors visit area schools and read to children, run in community fund-raisers and volunteer at the local food bank.  Over time, as they join you each evening for supper and you listen to their pleasant banter about the weather and (whenever a cow makes news) their “udderly groan-worthy cow puns,” the anchors, let’s call them Tyler and Margaret, begin to feel like family---they become Uncle Ty and Aunt Margie.  You’re comfortable with them.  You kick off your shoes in their presence and they’re never bothered by it.  You read the paper while they’re talking, and they’re not offended.  Compared to other relatives, they have unique advantages. You don’t have to remember their birthdays.  They never ask if they can crash on your sofa bed for a few days, or if you would co-sign a loan for them.  They’re on your side.  You can count on them. They’re your Channel 8 family.

Then one evening you turn on the news and Aunt Margie is gone. 

Uncle Ty says, “Tonight we want to introduce you to our new co-anchor, Beverly Simpson.”

You’re thinking, “But where’s Aunt Margie?”  She’s just gone, and she left no forwarding address.  Beverly is here now, in Aunt Margie’s chair.

“What do you mean she’s gone?  She had dinner with us five nights a week. She was on our side, heart to heart---we were close; we were family.”

“Forget Aunt Margie; Beverly is your new aunt now.  She can banter about the weather too, and she has some cow puns you haven’t heard.  Yes, she mispronounces some of the names of nearby towns, but she’ll catch on.  She’s personable. They loved her in Savannah.”

“But I miss Aunt Margie.”

“You have to forget Aunt Margie.  Yes, she was a good co-anchor.  That’s why she was recruited to a larger market, but there’s a new aunt on your side.”

Then one day you’re in Cincinnati.  You turn on the local news, and it’s Aunt Margie!   You want to tell her you’re there.  You speak to the TV.   “Aunt Margie, it’s me, from Richmond.”    But she’s moved on.  She has a new family.  She’s on their side now!

A Sheep, a Duck and a Rooster Float into a Paris Cafe

Ever vigilant in the search for ingredients which could become Wry Bread (when mixed, kneaded and half-baked) I shelled out $3 in a thrift store for The Book of Incredible Information.  To give the potential buyer a taste of the contents, the cover includes this sample nugget: “Every square inch of the human body has about 32 million bacteria on it.” Unwilling to foist on my two or three loyal readers information which might not be trustworthy, I chose a square inch on my left arm and proceeded to count the bacteria.  After 9 hours of counting, I was only at 18,644, and there were many more bacteria left to count, so I decided just to trust the book’s figures.  Surely, they wouldn’t call it The Book of Incredible Information if the information in the book were not reliable.

“Wait a minute Rusty, if it’s reliable, wouldn’t it be called The Book of Credible Information?”

[That’s my friend Pretty Boy Humphrey who likes to pop into my stories ----uninvited, I might add.]

“One thing I can rely on is you crashing my stories, Pretty Boy.  If you want to help write this one, go see if you can estimate how many bacteria are on your entire body”

[That should keep him busy for a while.]

This story is not actually about bacteria; it’s about the first hot air balloon.  The book says it was invented by two French brothers in 1782.  The Montgolfier’s were papermakers who discovered that a silk bag would float to their ceiling if it were filled with hot air.  (Yes, you would think these papermakers would have used a paper bag, but this is one of those occasions when I have to trust the book---or resume counting bacteria.)  The next year, the brothers launched a large hot-air silk balloon, which, according to the book, “carried a sheep, a duck and a rooster into the air.”  (Experts believe that only the duck had any previous flying experience.)  When asked why they put three animals in the balloon’s basket when one would do, they said it was in case they landed in an open-air café, where they could be the beginning of a joke: “A sheep, a duck and a rooster float into a Paris café…”  Actually, we’re not sure that’s what the brothers said because they answered the question in French.

“If you had paid attention in French class, you might know what they said, Rusty.”

“Back so soon, Tommy?  I was hoping----that is, I thought you’d be working on your assignment for hours.  Did you estimate the number of bacteria on your body already?”