ON BEHALF of ALL HUSBANDS

Speaking on behalf of all husbands (and who better to do so than I?), and as part of my ongoing effort to bridge the gap between the sexes (you may recall my inside scoop on Men’s Rooms in the Wry Bread story, “Rest Room Break”) I now reveal additional information that was previously classified:  

No husband, of any age, creed or ethnicity, ever took the following medical advice: 

“Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex.”  

A husband in his right mind would not ask that question, as in his right mind he would be able to reason that his doctor’s answer could be “No.” If not in his right mind, he would never remember to ask the question.  I rest my case.  

Here’s more advice no husband has ever taken:

“After assembly (of the swing set, glider, bike, scooter or wildebeest cage) check and tighten each bolt every 30 days, and oil all moving parts quarterly---more frequently in dry or wet conditions, or when the barometric pressure exceeds 30.5 inches. Severe injury or death could occur if these instructions are not followed, or if the Ph factor of the product falls below 5.2.  In hindsight, the safest course of action is for you to disassemble it and take it directly to your nearest landfill.”*  

*”The manufacturer shall not be liable for damages caused by the      wildebeest once his cage has been disassembled.”

Another thing wives might want to know (and revealing this one might get me beaten up in a men’s room someday). If you leave your husband at home doing chores on a Saturday afternoon, as soon as he is assured that you are truly gone, he will gravitate to the recliner and remote and watch football.  This is not a matter of the will.  It is a natural law, which is why I used the word ‘gravitate.’ You cannot blame an apple for gravitating to the ground when it is detached from its branch, and you cannot blame a man for gravitating to his recliner when he is detached from his wife on a Saturday afternoon. If there is no football, he’ll watch baseball, soccer or golf.  If he’s really desperate, he may watch bowling or fishing.  The good news, however, is that you can be confidant, as you shop, that he is not home watching Men’s Figure Skating. 

Having had this natural law explained to her, the prudent wife, upon entering the home in the late afternoon, does not need to put her hand on the TV to detect its telltale warmth.  She already knows it is warm. Nor does she need to ask,

“Why is the wildebeest still running freely in the neighborhood?  I thought you were assembling his cage?”

On the contrary, the prudent wife is grateful that her husband did not start a grease fire when he decided to fry a burger for lunch, and the prudent wife is preoccupied with hoping that her husband doesn’t examine her closely enough to detect that she just dropped another hundred dollars at the salon.

While we’re on the theme, here are two questions no husband has ever asked his wife:

“Does this make me look fat?”

“Don’t you think it’s time for us to go visit your mother?”

If you are a husband or wife, or you know a husband or wife, or you’ve happened upon such while traipsing your neighborhood in search of your wildebeest, you probably know that there are distinct differences between them---husbands and wives, not wildebeests.  Not everything is about wildebeests.  Those differences were implanted by our creator.  (If you believe there is no creator, and this exquisitely designed universe just arose one day, out of nothing, with no design and no designer, then to put it bluntly, your reasoning power is on a par with that of your wildebeest. Okay, maybe when it comes down to it, everything IS about wildebeests).  

Those differences go far beyond the obvious physical ones.  They extend to perceptions, sensibilities and affections, as well as how we respond to our children when they disappoint us, or challenge our authority, or fail to walk the (by now you’re expecting wildebeest.  Have you ever tried walking a wildebeest?  Even a husband knows better than to give a child that chore) dog.

“So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” (Genesis 1:27)  

As the French put it, “Vive la wildebeest”----I mean, “la différence.”