Thursday, July 6, 2017


Last Friday night we were attacked by a suicide-attack deer as we were driving the Prius, our car from the future. It was after 9PM, when most respectable deer are home from work, bouncing their fawning offspring on their numerous knees. The one who attacked us was evidently crouching behind a bush, awaiting our approach on a dark country road in Maryland.  It certainly seemed that he knew we were coming, which makes me suspect that he was tipped off by someone like Tommy (Pretty Boy) Humphrey.  Since I don’t know anyone like Pretty Boy, it was probably him.

He leaped in front of us at the last possible second (the deer, not Pretty Boy), and although I immediately hit the brakes, we collided. The good news is that if the deer was wearing a suicide-vest, it didn't detonate. I suspect this was because he hadn't anticipated my cat-like reflexes, so he was struck in the hindquarters rather than the chest as he evidently intended. The point of impact was the very front of the car, where there is (or was) an oval shaped Toyota emblem.

I don't think I'll ever forget the hatred I saw in his eye just before impact.  (The hatred was in his left eye, in case you were wondering.) My first thought was that the attack might be ISIS-related, through its radicalized deer army, DASH (Deer/Angry/Suicidal/Hostile).  But as you know, those attacks are usually planned for places where large numbers congregate. This deer seemed to be waiting for us specifically.
The incident had all the earmarks of a domestic attack. [You’ll be pleased to know that although I toyed with replacing earmarks with deer-marks in the previous sentence, I refrained, perceiving that the humor potential was too low and the groan potential too high.]

“That’s true of pretty much all your writing, Rusty.  Maybe that’s why nobody buys your book.”

“I refuse to dignify that comment with a response, Pretty Boy.”

“You just did.”

During the rest of our drive home I searched my brain to understand why we were targeted.

“The good news is you didn’t have a large search area, Rusty.”

“That’s it.  I don’t want to hear any more from you, Humphrey. You’re still under investigation as a possible accomplice.”

As I was saying, I didn’t know why I should be targeted.  I’m not a hunter.  (I’m not even much of a gatherer.)  And I only eat venison when I’m tricked into it.  Then it occurred to me that our new AARP online membership might have been mistaken by an agent in deer-intelligence for membership in the NRA. You'll note that both acronyms are heavy on the A’s and R’s (and by acronyms, Tommy, I refer to the big letters in the previous sentence).

In case you Bambi-lovers are wondering, the deer that attacked us, though knocked to the pavement, got up and bounded off (maybe it scampered off---it was hard to tell in our frazzled state) to plot his next attack, but not before snatching the Toyota emblem from the front of our car---presumably with his teeth. Yes, Donna and I are fine.  (Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive, but I can’t help but notice that you didn’t get around to asking about us until you were assured that the deer was unharmed.)

Anticipating the scoffing of my critics, I consulted noted deer expert [to be named shortly] to verify that a deer may remove an emblem from a car with his teeth following an unsuccessful suicide attack. 

[Exciting news for Wry Bread Readers! In an effort to make our stories more interactive, we're pleased to announce that you can now choose the name of the deer expert I consulted.]  

Please choose from:

a) Deer Abby

b) Roe Yerboat

c) Buck Stopshere

d) Doe Rehmie

Unfortunately, [insert name of your chosen deer expert here] did not take my call. I presume he or she now has caller ID service (as do others who formerly took my calls). But I'm confident said expert would support my contention that a suicide-deer might well snatch an automaker’s emblem from the front of the intended victim’s car (perhaps to prove to his superiors that his mission, though unsuccessful, was at least attempted).

I don't hold out much hope that our attacker will be apprehended before he strikes again. Should you be his next victim, and should his attempt at self-destruction be successful this time, you may be able to identify him by an indentation shaped like a Toyota emblem on his left hindquarter.

While we're on the unpleasant subject suggested by our recent attacker, I'm sometimes asked about suicide---not whether I advise it (I don't) but whether I believe that it's possible for a suicide victim to go to heaven. Another way of putting the question is, is it possible for a true believer to become so despondent that he takes his own life? 

Life is a precious gift, and as man was created in the image of God, the taking of innocent human life, whether our own or that of another, is a serious sin. But is it possible for true believers to fall into serious sins? Of course. King David (adultery and murder) and the Apostle Peter (denying Christ) come immediately to mind. If it's possible for a believer to lust to the point of adultery, or to be angered to the point of murder, or to be afraid to the point of denying Christ, then surely it is possible for him or her to be depressed to the point of suicide. 

The obvious difference (and this is why the matter is problematic for some), is that one who commits adultery, murder, or any sin other than suicide, has time to repent of it and seek God's forgiveness. There can be no subsequent repentance for the suicide victim.  But that would matter only if eternal life were something that we merited, or something to which we contributed by diligently, faithfully and fully repenting of every sin we ever commit, all our lives.

But the Bible is clear that eternal life is a gift of God, granted now, in this life, to all who recognize themselves as sinners, look to God for mercy, and transfer their trust to Jesus Christ alone as Lord and Savior. The repentant sinner is adopted into God's family. He has been "born again" or "born from above." (John 3:3)   He is forgiven. He is redeemed. Jesus said, "He who believes in me HAS eternal life.” (John 6:47)  

There are at least two wonderful things about eternal life---the life part---abundant, rich, full ("I have come that they [My sheep] may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.") (John 10:10)

and the eternal part---"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of my hand." (John 10:27-28) 

True sheep are safe in Christ's hand, yes, even those who become so depressed that they foolishly take their own lives. But suicidal deer, on the other hand, are gonna have a lot of ‘splaining to do. The one we encountered the other night could make it easier on himself by returning our emblem.

[If you happen to enjoy this blend of humor and biblical truth (and stranger things have happened), please click "Share," as it may be good medicine for one of your contacts.  More stories like this one may be found in the book, Wry Bread, available on Kindle or from]

1 comment:

  1. Our friend Barb told us that last night, on the same road on which the deer assault took place, her car was attacked by two raccoons. I suspect they were affiliated with the radical offshoot known as Al-Koona. Thankfully, their efforts were also unsuccessful.