FLORIDA MAN

Always on the lookout to jumpstart a Wry Bread story, I have turned my eye to the accounts of the hero of doofi* everywhere, Florida Man. If you haven’t yet done so, do an internet search for “Florida Man” and your birthday to see what crazy headline shows up (no not now, Tommy, when you’re done reading this).

Each of the following stories has been reported by a legitimate news source and can be found by a search for “Florida Man.”

February 8: “Florida Man Charged with Assault with a Deadly Weapon after Throwing Alligator through Wendy’s Drive-Thru Window.”  Presumably he was upset because there weren’t enough ketchup packets in his take-out bag.

November 12: “Florida Man Breaks into Restaurant, Strips Naked, Eats Noodles, Plays Bongos.”  The good news is, because the restaurant was closed, no customers were disturbed by the bongos.

“Florida Man Attempts to Trade a Live Alligator for a Beer.”  I’m guessing he was looking under his recliner for some beer money and all he could find was a gator.  He did not get a beer, but he did get a visit from a Fish and Wildlife Officer.  Now, if the gator had been able to play the bongos, the convenience store clerk might have made the trade.

What's in a Name?

My friend Scam Likely says nobody answers his calls anymore. 

What’s that, Pretty Boy? (My amiable nemesis Tommy Humphrey, aka Pretty Boy has a comment.)

"I said that's extremely UNlikely."

You mean, that my friend's name is Scam Likely?

"No; I mean, that you have a friend."

You have cut me to the quick, Thomas. But thankfully, my quick is surrounded by layers of fat, so ‘tis a mere flesh wound.  Now why would you think me friendless?

"Well, Rusty, you don't fish, hunt or ride a motorcycle; you don't golf, bowl or play tennis. You don't camp, kayak or shoot skeet. What would you do with a friend, sit and read together?"

 Converse; we'd converse. 

"You'd wear high-top sneakers together? 

 Not CONverse, conVERSE.  As you may know, I'm a scintillating conversationalist.

“I think you’d better double-check your Readers’ Digest vocabulary quiz, Rusty.  Scintillating does not mean sleep inducing. You know I've heard you preach."

Your dozing off in church is easily explained, Tommy. I suspect your body is programmed to nap after every meal, and you eat a hearty breakfast before church.  Maybe you should take a nap now, so I can get back to my story.

“So, you call these 'Dry Breads' stories?  I would call them Rusty Ramblings.”

 You are inadvertently making my point about names, Tommy.

 “Oh----you have a point now?”

Drink some coffee and follow along, Pretty Boy:

“What’s in a name?” asked Shakespeare’s Juliet, lamenting the fact that Romeo was from the Montague family, her family’s rivals. “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”  

She was quite right of course, but how many would pause to smell a rose if the plant had been named “Stinky Prickly Bush.” 

In an age of Caller I.D., someone with the name Scam Likely is not going to get many of his calls answered.  The same goes for a fellow named Bill Collector, or a gal named Charity Call.

History on Wry: Captain Smith and Pocahontas Part 2. We Found Pocahontas

In our first (more or less) exciting episode, Captain John Smith sailed from England to the shore of Virginia.  He and his landing party, searching for fresh water and a fast-food place that would take British currency, were soon set upon by several hatchet-wielding men with painted faces and what Smith would later describe as “inappropriate attire for gentlemen.” With grunts and gestures the natives made it known that they were to be accompanied, and they led the men to a village where they were greeted by Chief Powhatan.

“Welcome, strangers,” said the chief.

A shocked Smith responded, “You speak English? How can this be? Am I not the first Englishman to set foot here?”

“No, no. 
Big British invasion last year, four mop-heads from Liverpool.  Chief Sullivan of Seneca Nation introduce them. Loud concert at Squaw Stadium---really big show.  Maidens went wild.  Screaming and crying.  Many tribes came. They shook it up, baby---twisted and shouted.  Beethoven rolled over.  Our village has never been the same.”  He lifted up the flap of a wigwam and Smith heard a snippet of ‘A Hard Day’s Night.’ *

“Where are these Liverpudlians now?

“Mopheads returned to England.  Listen, do you want to know a secret?  Do you promise not to tell? Closer. Let me whisper in your ear. My youngest daughter Poca was there. She was just seventeen----you know what I mean. Now she says she’ll never dance with another, after she saw John standing there.”

“John?”

“John one of British invaders---three others too, but Poca fall hard for John.  She started what she call ‘Fanatic Club.’ Every day she write letter to John.  Always signs, ‘P.S. I love you--- love me do.’”

“How does she send letters to England?”

“Poca puts letters in soda bottles she gets from local Dollar General.  She throw them into the sea. I warn her, bottles could go anywhere.  Singing John from Liverpool will not find.  She not listen.  Now Poca has seen 18 winters with no husband.  She say, ‘No brave good enough.’  Say will marry no one but John.  This mean Powhatan have no grandchildren.  When I’m 64, I will have no Vera, Chuck and Dave on my knee.”

History on Wry: Captain Smith and Pocahontas, Part One. Where's Pocahontas?

Our story begins in England, a small island which has the misfortune to be situated, not in the Mid-Pacific, as the more favored island of Hawaii, where there are moderate temperatures, clear skies, palm trees, and the happy citizens enjoy swimming in the ocean and driving on the right side of the road. England is in the North Atlantic, where it’s often cold and foggy, where no one in his right mind wants to swim in the ocean, and where the unhappy citizens must remember to drive on the wrong side of the road.  To make matters worse, for many years the English took comfort in the fact that at least their island was unsinkable; but then there was that unfortunate business regarding the "unsinkable" Titanic. Now they live in fear that an iceberg will send them to the floor of the Atlantic. For all the above reasons, and the fact that it’s within range of the German Luftwaffe, the English have been seeking places to relocate since an Oxford Professor conceived the word “emigrate.”

The year was 1607 (which actually makes it, curiously, not the 16^th, but the 17^th century).  Captain John Smith wanted to distinguish himself from all the other John Smiths in England at the time.  (As you may know, in 17^th century England, it was proverbial, “Throw yon chestnut, hit Jon Smith.”)  So, Captain Smith formed a group he called “The Virginia Company,” named after his illustrious monarch, Queen Virginia, the First of England, the Third of Scotland, the Sixth of Wales and the Twelfth of Never.  Smith’s plan was to convince a few wealthy merchants to finance a voyage west so he could try to find a New World (ideally, one named Virginia) which was not in constant threat from icebergs. There he would presumably be the only John Smith, and he could become a prosperous tobacco farmer.  Of course, Europeans had not discovered tobacco yet, but Smith had a dream. 

We join him in a meeting with potential investors:

“I shall apprise thee of my plan:  Ye men of heavy purses shall grant me enough sovereigns to purchase 3 sturdy ships (or the ships may be leased if thou canst find a deal with no high-mileage penalty). We shall thence sail west ‘til we find yon New World, yea, losing half our crew and passengers from disease on the perilous journey, for we shall fail to bring with us enough fresh fruit and water.  Those of us blessed by Providence to survive the journey will arrive too late in the year to plant crops.  But the friendly heathen will come to our aid.  Although we can offer them, at present, naught but colorful trinkets and diseases for which they have no resistance, they will welcome and honor us when they learn we’re from England; from whence we shall one day bring them James Bond, Harry Potter and Downton Abbey. They will share with us their food and fish-head fertilizer, and they will help us build a fort with high walls to keep out the native riff raff.”