FLORIDA MAN

Always on the lookout to jumpstart a Wry Bread story, I have turned my eye to the accounts of the hero of doofi* everywhere, Florida Man. If you haven’t yet done so, do an internet search for “Florida Man” and your birthday to see what crazy headline shows up (no not now, Tommy, when you’re done reading this).

Each of the following stories has been reported by a legitimate news source and can be found by a search for “Florida Man.”

February 8: “Florida Man Charged with Assault with a Deadly Weapon after Throwing Alligator through Wendy’s Drive-Thru Window.”  Presumably he was upset because there weren’t enough ketchup packets in his take-out bag.

November 12: “Florida Man Breaks into Restaurant, Strips Naked, Eats Noodles, Plays Bongos.”  The good news is, because the restaurant was closed, no customers were disturbed by the bongos.

“Florida Man Attempts to Trade a Live Alligator for a Beer.”  I’m guessing he was looking under his recliner for some beer money and all he could find was a gator.  He did not get a beer, but he did get a visit from a Fish and Wildlife Officer.  Now, if the gator had been able to play the bongos, the convenience store clerk might have made the trade.

Here’s one dated April 19, 2024: “Florida Man Pops Open Beer during Police Encounter Because it [the beer] was Cold…”  As he was being questioned after firing a gun in the direction of police following a fight with a neighbor, and as police were surrounding him with guns drawn, this Florida Man insisted on popping open a beer, apparently believing that letting that beer get too warm would be the real crime.  He was arrested on charges that included using a firearm while under the influence of alcohol.  He’s fortunate one of the policemen didn’t mistake the popping of the beer can for gunfire. (If a gator was involved, it was evidently watching from a safe distance and didn’t make it into the story.)

“Florida Men Arrested for Trying to get an Alligator Drunk.”  This report from August of 2019 involves two men who were found giving beer to a gator they captured.  A video showed them “forcefully pouring beer into the alligator’s mouth.” You will note that, once again, this headline involves both beer and a gator.

“Florida Man Arrested for Crashing Car into a Mall Attempting to Time Travel.” He was reportedly driving a Dodge Challenger, not a DeLorean, which could account for his experiment’s failure.

“Florida Man Calls 911 to Report Himself Drunk Driving.”  The Winter Haven man called 911 on New Year’s Eve.  When asked where he was, he responded “all over Winter Haven.”  He said he was too intoxicated to narrow down his location any further. The 911 dispatcher urged him to crash into a mall. Not really. She urged him to call back when his story involved a gator. No, my guess is, she urged him to park the car and sleep it off.

Here’s one that doesn’t involve beer or a gator:

“Florida Man wearing a T-shirt with these two lines:

‘Who Needs Drugs?                                                                                       No, seriously, I have drugs’

Is arrested for drug possession”

This fellow, who was wearing a shirt that joked about his having drugs, actually had illegal drugs in his possession. He was either a) extremely shrewd, or b) extremely foolish.  I’m guessing b.

“Hey, aren’t you a Florida Man, Rusty?  Maybe that explains your own foolishness.” [Excuse me for a moment, kind reader, while I respond to my friendly critic, Tommy (Pretty Boy) Humphrey.]

I have spent about a third of my life in Florida, Pretty Boy.  But I was born in Baltimore, so I guess that makes me a Baltimoron, like some other people I know.

No doubt there’s a logical explanation for “Florida Man” doing so many crazy things.  Perhaps the combination of heat, humidity and gators is to blame (and let’s not forget beer). But I suspect Florida Man’s problem has more to do with being man than being Floridian.  I think we can affirm that similar foolish actions are committed by “Georgia Man,” “Virginia Man” and “Pick-Your-Location Man.”

The Bible proclaims, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child.” (Proverbs 22:15) That verse goes on to declare, “The rod of correction will drive it far from him.”  The faithful instruction and correction of loving parents from a child’s earliest days will tend to develop an adult who respects and obeys parents, teachers, civil authorities and civil laws.  When parents fail in that critical role through neglect, abuse or hypocrisy, the foolishness bound in the child’s heart will tend to flourish. 

The greatest danger for one who resists and scoffs at legitimate authority is that he will grow to resist and scoff at God’s authority.  This is why God’s Word says, “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.” (Proverbs 13:24) And it is why there is a correlation established between faithfully correcting your child and “delivering his soul from hell.” (Proverbs 23:13-14)

If your parents lovingly corrected you when your behavior called for correction, you have the grace of God to thank for it.  And if that loving correction helped you to recognize yourself as a sinner in need of a Savior, you have the grace of God to thank for that. So, although the girl in the Wendy’s Drive-thru window may never consider it, it’s the grace of God that keeps her restaurant generally gator-free.

                                                                        

*The plural form of doofus, of course. 

Note: Wry Bread stories are available in book form, ideal for those recovering from gator attacks in need of a laugh and a bit of biblical truth. Just search for Wry Bread Books on Amazon.