History on Wry: Captain Smith and Pocahontas, Part One. Where's Pocahontas?

Our story begins in England, a small island which has the misfortune to be situated, not in the Mid-Pacific, as the more favored island of Hawaii, where there are moderate temperatures, clear skies, palm trees, and the happy citizens enjoy swimming in the ocean and driving on the right side of the road. England is in the North Atlantic, where it’s often cold and foggy, where no one in his right mind wants to swim in the ocean, and where the unhappy citizens must remember to drive on the wrong side of the road.  To make matters worse, for many years the English took comfort in the fact that at least their island was unsinkable; but then there was that unfortunate business regarding the "unsinkable" Titanic. Now they live in fear that an iceberg will send them to the floor of the Atlantic. For all the above reasons, and the fact that it’s within range of the German Luftwaffe, the English have been seeking places to relocate since an Oxford Professor conceived the word “emigrate.”

The year was 1607 (which actually makes it, curiously, not the 16^th, but the 17^th century).  Captain John Smith wanted to distinguish himself from all the other John Smiths in England at the time.  (As you may know, in 17^th century England, it was proverbial, “Throw yon chestnut, hit Jon Smith.”)  So, Captain Smith formed a group he called “The Virginia Company,” named after his illustrious monarch, Queen Virginia, the First of England, the Third of Scotland, the Sixth of Wales and the Twelfth of Never.  Smith’s plan was to convince a few wealthy merchants to finance a voyage west so he could try to find a New World (ideally, one named Virginia) which was not in constant threat from icebergs. There he would presumably be the only John Smith, and he could become a prosperous tobacco farmer.  Of course, Europeans had not discovered tobacco yet, but Smith had a dream. 

We join him in a meeting with potential investors:

“I shall apprise thee of my plan:  Ye men of heavy purses shall grant me enough sovereigns to purchase 3 sturdy ships (or the ships may be leased if thou canst find a deal with no high-mileage penalty). We shall thence sail west ‘til we find yon New World, yea, losing half our crew and passengers from disease on the perilous journey, for we shall fail to bring with us enough fresh fruit and water.  Those of us blessed by Providence to survive the journey will arrive too late in the year to plant crops.  But the friendly heathen will come to our aid.  Although we can offer them, at present, naught but colorful trinkets and diseases for which they have no resistance, they will welcome and honor us when they learn we’re from England; from whence we shall one day bring them James Bond, Harry Potter and Downton Abbey. They will share with us their food and fish-head fertilizer, and they will help us build a fort with high walls to keep out the native riff raff.”

Smith then proceeded to tell them about his tobacco dream:

“Yea, give heed as I tell thee of the dream revealed to me, and learn how thine investment shall reward thee handsomely.  In my dream, I was in the New World, and there stood before me a tall muscular male adorned with leathern boots, leathern breeches and a broad brimmed leathern hat.  I fell to my knees and cried, ‘Who art thou, Leatherned One?’  He said, ‘I am Marlboro Man, sent to secure your fortune.’  Then, in my dream, he led me to a plant which he called ‘Tobakko.’  He harvested and dried the leaves in the abundant New World sunlight; chopped them into wee pieces and added the secret ingredient that he called ‘NEEcohteen,’ by means of which, he said, all people shall crave them. He instructed me to wrap a few chopped leaves in a bit of paper and call it a Cigar-ette, place a score of them in a wee package and ship a boatload of packages to England. Then suddenly, in my dream, I was back in England, where I urged the purchasers, who shall be called ‘smoke-makers,’ to take two from a package, set them ablaze, and for their comfort and pleasure, place one in each nostril and breathe deeply.” 

(You know how, after you wake up, you can’t quite remember all the details of your dream----evidently that’s what happened to Smith.)

“Yea, verily, at the direction of Marlboro Man, I have already secured mercantile rights for the words, ‘Chesterfield,’ ‘Winston,’ ‘Salem,’ ‘Newport,’ and ‘Lucky Strike.'"

The Adventure Capitalists on Smith’s call remembered with bitterness that only the year before they had passed up the chance to invest in Tea Plantations in India.  A fortnight after that ill-fated decision, the queen had issued a proclamation declaring that every British man and woman should take a Tea Break daily at 4PM.   They suspected that something similar might happen with cigar-ettes, so they forked over all the gold needed to fund the expedition.

You may be interested to know that Captain Smith was not married, which is another reason he wanted to leave England.  He had recently attended a Globe Theater Production of Shakespeare’s new tragedy, Romeo and Juliet, in the program of which he saw an advertisement that read, “If indeed there is a Virginia, verily, it is for Lovers.”  So, Smith was hoping that if he found Virginia, he might meet a nice New World girl. 

Since, as he explained to his investors, the voyage might result in the death of half his passengers and crew, he filled the holds of the ships with expendable passengers and shipmates (like most of the crew of the Starship Enterprise) who, should an account of his adventure ever be filmed, would not even be named in the credits. By bringing many more men than he needed, Smith reasoned that if and when he found a New World, he might still have some shipmates alive to order about. 

After several perilous weeks at sea, lashed by storms, dashed by waves and thrashed by pirates, the three little ships, the Susan Can’t Swim, the Dysentery and the Good Lord What-Were-We-Thinking? approached land.   

“LAND HO,” shouted the lookout from the Crow’s Nest.

The captain responded, "Dost thou recognize yon land mass? Does it look like the New World?”

The crewman, peering thru a spyglass, called out, “The sign says, ‘Welcome to historic Jamestown, Virginia, site of the New World’s first Thanksgiving Service.’”

“May the heavens be praised,” cried Smith.  “We’ve discovered Virginia!  In celebration, I shall go below deck and invite the surviving passengers to a hearty meal at the Williamsburg Golden Corral----my treat.”

But just as he feared, Smith found that over the long voyage, many of his passengers had expired, as had his Discover Card.  So, the survivors were forced to forage for food.  As they did, they came upon a village, and Smith was confronted by the Native American Chief, Powhatan.

Will Powhatan prove friendly?  Will Smith and Powhatan be able to communicate?  How did Will Smith get into this story?  Will Will Smith slap the captain for insulting Pocahontas? Is Pocahontas even in town?  Will Captain Smith lose his head in this account?  Is Virginia only for lovers?  What if two people are just friends? Is Virginia for friends?  Find out in our next, soon to be written installment.

         Now a word from our sponsor:

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Here’s a brief testimonial from a fellow we’ll call Joe (now expired):

“I smoked for decades and always tested negative, while old high school friends were testing positive and getting cards, meals and lots of Facebook sympathy.  Then I switched to Chemo-Camels, and later that year, I finally tested positive, and I’ve never felt so loved. The cards and meals are pouring in.  I only wish I had more time left to enjoy them.  But take it from me.  It’s not just a catchy slogan. It’s really true: ‘The fastest way to Chemo is by Camel.’”

Finally, here’s a brief devotional thought from a fellow we’ll call Rusty (not yet expired):

My father smoked Camel brand cigarettes when I was a child, but he abruptly stopped in his thirties.  More than once, he recounted for his children how and why he did.  It was not for health reasons; the damaging effects of cigarette smoke were not yet widely known.  It was because he woke up in the middle of the night craving a cigarette, and finding none in the house, he dressed and began to drive around Northeast Baltimore searching for an open store.  This was in the days before convenience stores and Walmarts, and he was having no success. Then he had an “Aha moment,” which our English friends would call an “epiphany”

“What am I doing?   I’ve become a slave to these cigarettes.  They wake me up in the middle of the night and order me to search the house for them.  Then they command that I get dressed and drive around searching for them.  The cigarettes are the master, and I’m the slave!” Thankfully, he never smoked again. 

What my dad experienced illustrates a biblical principle.  The Apostle Paul, speaking of choices in food or drink said, “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful.  All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.”  (1 Corinthians 6:12)

Of course, the primary reason to avoid cigarettes today is that we know them to be carcinogens, and as those created in the image of God, we are to honor and preserve life, including our own.  But even when smoking was thought to be a harmless, pleasurable diversion, it had the capacity to bring men and women under its power, as do many other diversions which are not, in and of themselves, violations of the laws of God or man.  In our fallen state, any activity, hobby, recreation, food or drink has the potential to become our master, to demand our allegiance, to bring us under its power, to become, for us, an addiction.  Have you been brought under the power of something?  Is there something without which you can’t get through a day?   The follower of Christ is called to manifest the fruit of the Spirit, “…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23) 

Now get those things out of your nostrils.