Lassie and the Pastor Mechanic

I've been in ministry long enough to know that people take for granted that no pastor has any mechanical aptitude. They forget that before we were called to the ministry, pastors had secular jobs; we are not utterly inept.

Just a few days ago, for example, as I attempted to start my car, the check engine light came on. Did I ignore the light, as the mechanically inept pastor would do?  No, I immediately popped the hood and got out and checked.  It was a false alarm; the engine was still there. By the way, this has been the case every time my check engine light has come on. Clearly this light was another promising idea that didn't pan out---like the idea to store our used plastics in the ocean, or have a hurricane season.

"Or the idea that a pastor could be humorous?"

Thank you, Pretty Boy. When I want your input, I'll ask a cop to tase me.

But suppose it had not been a false alarm. Suppose this time the engine was in fact missing. Perhaps you imagine that like the typical clueless pastor, I would have hopped back into the car and attempted to drive to the nearest auto mechanic. But I wasn't born last Tuesday. I know enough to never drive a car when 1) it's out of oil, or 2) it's out of coolant, or 3) its engine is missing.

"Well," you're thinking, "maybe this pastor has learned a few things about cars over the years, but that doesn't disprove the presumption that he's mechanically witless. What sort of tools does he have in his garage? That'll tell the story."

I'm proud to say that I have a toolbox (well technically it's an old fishing box) complete with not just a hammer, a pair of pliers and a wrench, but multiple screwdrivers, both flat and Phillips-head. And for your information, I've known about the Phillips-head screwdriver for decades. I learned about it from an old Lassie episode.

For the benefit of any reader under sixty-five, Lassie was a collie from the Scottish Highlands who was forced to come to America and live with June Lockhart and a boy named Timmy on a studio set that was painstakingly created, down to the last detail, to look exactly like a fake farm. Everybody who was alive in the fifties remembers Lassie because we only had 3 TV channels and if one of them was broadcasting Lawrence Welk and another Queen for a Day, we were all funneled to Lassie.

The particular episode I have in mind began with Timmy walking his bike because one of his pedals had fallen off. The Widow Peabody's dog, a rather witless Labrador named Trusty as I recall, ran up barking incoherently. Timmy had no idea what Trusty was saying because Trusty only spoke Dog, though any faithful viewer would correctly suspect that Mrs. Peabody, one of only a handful of regular characters who hadn't yet done so, had finally fallen into a well. Lassie, who was of course multi-lingual, explained the situation to Timmy.

"Evidently Mrs. Peabody has fallen into a well, and she requires our assistance," he barked.

"I'll never get there in time without the use of my trusty bike, Lightning, available where all fine Huffy bicycles are sold." Timmy said.

"Wait, I thought you said Trusty was the name of Mrs. Peabody's dog."

That's right, Pretty Boy. It was also the word Timmy used to describe his Huffy bike. Is that a problem?

"I would have thought he'd have used a different adjective, like maybe nifty.”

You would know what he said if you hadn't been watching Queen for a Day.

Timmy continued, "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, Lassie, I need you to run to the barn as quick as a flash and bring me back a screwdriver. But Lassie," and here Timmy spoke distinctly, "I need a PHILLIPS-head, not a FLAT head." 

Lassie said, “I know what a Phillips-head is.  There’s no need to patronize me, Timothy. We all know you’re the alpha dog.”

In the next ten-second clip, one of Lassie’s stunt doubles could be seen (in stock footage that recurred every few weeks) running through the woods, fording streams and chevy-ing brooks to frenetic music.  Arriving at the barn where a cameraman waited, Lassie examined a flat head screwdriver and rejected it. Then, grasping a Phillips-head between her jaws, she rushed back to Timmy. Timmy reattached his pedal and rode like the wind (or like the wind-machine) to the Peabody farm. Unfortunately, the Widow Peabody, thanks no doubt to a contract dispute with the producer, had already succumbed to her injuries. ¹  

The unexpected demise of Mrs. Peabody leaves us with a few minutes to say a word about Queen for a Day, which I must have watched during those dark days of '54, while Lassie was under investigation for alleged Communist ties. (She was eventually cleared, but as I recall, her trainer, Ivan Spyng, was deported). 

The Ill-conceived concept of Queen for a Day was to have a few desperate women each tell their sad story, e.g., 12 kids and no washing machine, 13 kids and no bathtub, 14 kids and no Phillips-head. Then the audience would decide who had the saddest story and reward her with a bouquet of roses and a new washing machine, bathtub or Phillips-head. The unfortunate contestants deemed not unfortunate enough would presumably return to their brood empty handed, but with the knowledge that they had just been humiliated before a national audience.

The mention of bandleader Lawrence Welk about a dozen paragraphs ago reminds me of an anecdote. Raised in a German speaking community, he didn't learn English until the age of 21 (there is no record of his age when he first learned about the Phillips-head), so he was particularly dependent upon cue cards. On one show the cue card had a reference to The First World War, and it was printed as "World War I." While introducing a song, Welk saw the large number one on the card and thought it was the letter i. (That's a letter in the alphabet that falls between the letters h and j, Pretty Boy. You may have seen it in your soup.) So Mr. Welk said in his thick German accent, to the utter confusion of his TV audience, "Back during Vorld Vor i..." The number of viewers who immediately turned the channel to watch the rest of Lassie or Queen for a Day is unknown. Some may have just thrown a Phillips-head at the screen. ²

One or two of our readers may be interested to know that when I looked up Phillips-head to confirm I was spelling it right, I discovered that the screwdriver by that name was actually patented by a chap named Thompson. Henry Phillips came along later and bought the rights to the design. So from now on we could just as well call it a Thompson-head screwdriver.

"That's fascinating Rusty. You've told us about Lassie, Queen for a Day, Lawrence Welk, and some guy named Thompson, but you certainly haven't provided any evidence that you are not mechanically inept." 

On the contrary, Pretty Boy, I've documented my knowledge of auto mechanics and screwdrivers. If further evidence of my mechanical expertise is required, I hereby attest that I have hung innumerable curtain rods, tasks for which I sometimes had to use an electric what-cha-ma-call-it to drill holes.

“That would be a drill, Rusty.”

Exactly.  Furthermore, several of those curtain rods ended up relatively straight. I rest my case.

Just as assumptions are made about pastors (assumptions which, granted, in my case are actually valid), so assumptions are made about God's dealings with mankind. 

The book of 2 Kings records the story of Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria, a man rich in honor and authority (not to mention vowels) who is described as "a mighty man of valor, but a leper." Fortunately for Commander Naaman, his wife had a servant girl from Israel who told her about Elisha, God's prophet.  This unnamed girl had faith to believe that Elisha both could and would heal Naaman.  With the blessing of his king and a great deal of silver, gold and fine clothing to offer as his copay, Naaman traveled to Israel by chariot, finding his way to Elisha's door. But Elisha did not go out to meet him. Instead, he "...sent a messenger to him, saying, 'Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored to you, and you shall be clean.'"

Remember, Naaman was a big shot.  He commanded an army, and he commanded respect.  He had a whole garage full of power tools, while there’s no reason to believe that Elisha had even one decent flat head.  Naaman was angry that Elisha didn’t even come outside to show deference to the alpha dog.  

"…Naaman became furious, and went away and said, 'Indeed, I said to myself, He will surely come out to me, and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place, and heal the leprosy. Are not the Abanah and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them and be clean?' So he turned and went away in a rage." (2 Kings 5:11-12)

But Naaman's servants reasoned with him. 

"If the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more then when he tells you, 'Wash and be cleansed'!" (2 Kings 5:13)

Naaman relented.  He did what the prophet told him, and he was miraculously healed.

He almost missed the wondrous deliverance God had in store for him because it did not come in the form he expected. He had certain assumptions that were not valid. 

We make similar mistakes when, for example, we presume that God will answer our prayers in a particular way, forgetting that He is not bound by our expectations. 

"…He does according to His will in the armies of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth. No one can restrain His hand or say to Him, 'What have you done?'" (Daniel 4:35)

But the worst false assumption a man can make is to assume that God will grant him forgiveness and provide him a place in His kingdom through some method other than the one He has provided for us, namely, repentance of sin and faith in the sinless life and sacrificial death of His own dear Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. 

“But I would have thought,” some might say, “that I could be delivered from my leprous sinful nature by acts of kindness, or self-sacrifice, works of contrition, or vows of chastity or poverty.”

“I assume,” says another, “that any sincere faith in any supreme being, whatever one might call Him, along with any heartfelt effort to love mankind will be sufficient.” 

You may of course assume anything you wish, but your Creator has declared that you are a sinner, and a sinner needs a Savior----not a new leaf, but a new birth, and a new life, which He freely offers you.

I leave you with the quote attributed to G. K. Chesterton, which, I understand, he bought from a chap named Thompson:

“I am not going to complain to God that there are not two types of screwdrivers.”  Wait, that’s not it.  Here it is:

“I am not going to complain to God that there are not two roads to heaven.  I’m going to thank Him that there is one.”

1. That's the gist of the episode as I remember it, but after 6 decades I may have gotten some details wrong.

2. I imagine there's only a slight chance that Welk actually said "World War i," but I think it makes "a vonderful, a vonderful" anecdote.