The Tangoed Med Web

It's getting so you can't watch TV without seeing a commercial for a medication that you're supposed to ask your doctor about. Apparently, the pharmaceutical companies think my doctor and I spend a lot of time just jawing about the latest developments at Pfizer, Merck and Novo Nordisk. It seems they also believe the typical doctor is so inept that his choice of medications is determined by the commercials his patients have seen.

"Doctor, while I'm here I want to ask you about a new medicine I saw advertised that I'd like to try. I don't remember the name of it, but it's the one used by the lady in red at the dance studio."

"Do you mean the lady who buys the old turntable and dances with her son?"

"No, no. I mean the one who goes out to lunch with the handsome dance instructor and one of the other students after class."

"Oh yes, I know that med. I believe it's called Cybilwantstotango.  Let me see if I can fix you up with some. You know, Russ, if someone had told me twenty years ago that 90% of the job was going to be just prescribing the meds that my patients would see advertised on TV, I wouldn't have been so stressed out in Med School."

   

I wonder if these pharma companies have any statistical evidence that advertising directly to patients actually results in more sales.  They have so much money to play with, I suspect that when company A (let's call it AstraZeneca) saw that company B (Bristol Myers Squibb) had hop-scotched over the medical journals to target the Wheel of Fortune viewers directly, the CEO at AstraZeneca decided to get in on the action.

   

"Stacy, get me Research and Development."
   
"Right away, Mr. Zeneca."
 
"This is R&D, Bob Davidson speaking."

"Hello. Davidson?  Zeneca here.  What do we have in the works that helps people dance the Tango?"

"Dance the Tango, Sir?  I'm not sure that we have anything in development for that."
 
"Well Squibb has it. It's called Cindywantstodance, or something like that, and it's all over the TV. They must be making billions with it."
   
"I'm not familiar with that, Sir."
   
"Not familiar with it?  What are you doing while America is watching Wheel of Fortune?"

"I'm not sure, Sir. Maybe working----you know, doing research."

"We're not paying you to do research, Davidson."

"Actually, I'm head of Research and Development, Sir."

"Alright, maybe we are paying you to do research, but we need less research and more development. I'm buying 500 thirty second spots on Dancing with the Stars next quarter, and I want to advertise a med that people are going to clamor to have their doctor prescribe. How about Suzycanflamenco?  Has that name been assigned to a drug yet?"

"Not to my knowledge, Sir."

"Great. Call Bailey in trademarks right away."

I'm not the first one to note that those medication ads would be more effective if they didn't include all the disclaimers:

"Use of Rashbegone (Sanditoffofus) may result in dizziness, insomnia, night sweats, sleep-walking, mood swings, suicidal thoughts, homicidal acts and a whole slew of other things far worse than that minor rash on your skin. In clinical trials, 32% of patients treated showed some improvement, but 4% of them went stark raving mad.  In those same trials, 28% of those in the control group (all of whom applied a placebo) also reported some improvement. And of course, those applying the placebo had no negative side effects.  So, it's really a no-brainer. Save your money and use the placebo; we suggest simple petroleum jelly. Note: If you can't afford your medication, AstraZeneca is to blame, because we are charging an exorbitant amount for it."

But as you know, the ads are not so direct.  They don't actually say the medication may cause negative results.  They say something like this:

"Depression and suicidal thoughts have happened."

I respond, "Well of course they 'have happened.'  Earthquakes, tornadoes and wildfires have happened.  Sharknadoes have happened." (I saw a film about it).  "Yes, bad things happen.  But why mention, in an ad for your medicine, that depression and suicidal thoughts have happened?  Who doesn't know that?  Oh, wait---I think I see; you must mean they have happened as a result of taking the medicine you want me to take. Then why didn't you say so?"

Obviously, some federal agency (my guess is the FDA) requires them to make that disclaimer, and the drug companies are trying to be coy about it.

How long before ads for cars are required to include something like this:

"Driving or riding as a passenger in an automobile can be hazardous to your health.  Serious injury, dismemberment or death have happened.  The fact that the speedometer goes to 120 miles per hour or more should not be understood to mean you should ever drive that fast. Don't operate a vehicle if you are taking medications such as Cybilwantstotango, Cindywantstodance or Suzycanflamenco as even the pharmaceutical companies have no idea what those medications actually do.  It always best to walk if you are going to or from a dance studio.  As a matter of fact, walking is far better for your health than driving, so the Surgeon General recommends that you not buy a car. Toyota cares."

This brings us to or spiritual lesson.

Perhaps Christians should use some disclaimers when we present the gospel:

Yes, it is true, sincere repentance for sin and saving faith in Christ will justify you---cause you to be declared righteous by your Creator, not because you are, in actuality, righteous---you are not.  But because your sins have been ascribed to Christ, and paid for at the cross, and His righteousness has been ascribed to you.  If you have truly cried out to Him for mercy, and embraced Him as your Lord and Savior, you can be assured, on the authority of God's Word, that you have been adopted into His family, and you will never perish.  Jesus said of His sheep, those who hear His voice and follow Him:

"...I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand."  (John 10:28)

Yes, there is great joy in knowing your sins are forgiven!  Jesus said, in the same context,

"I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." (John 10:10)

But Jesus also said to those who believe in Him:

"In the world you will have tribulation." (John 16:33)  

Faith in Christ does not mean you will be spared heartache and trials, cancer, heart disease, the loss of a child, financial ruin or persecution. You are living in a fallen world; a world afflicted by evil and disease and disasters.  What God promises, for believers, is that all things will work together for good (Romans 8:28), even those things that we would see as, in themselves, not good.

Yes, the Lord could have returned before now and put an end to sin and pain and sorrow and death, but His coming would have also put an end to all opportunity for people to repent and believe. It is His compassion and patience that has restrained, until now, His hand of justice.  One day the cup of His wrath will be full, but now,

"Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." (Romans 10:13)

"Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation." (2 Corinthians 6:2)

I would suggest that only after the great issue of your eternal destiny is settled should you devote any time to learning how to Tango (or learning anything else, for that matter).  Rest in Christ by faith, and one day soon you'll find yourself where there is no need for doctors, and no need for meds.  

[You can help spread this blend of humor and inspiration by sharing this post. (Please mark your setting for "public" so your friends can also share it.) You should see a link below.  Everyone who shares it will be entered to win a free Tango lesson with my doctor.  Just give me some time to persuade him to go along with it.  We'll be getting together soon to talk about the latest meds, and I'll float the Tango thing by him then.]