YOUR LOCAL NEWS FAMILY

Each local television news team encourages viewers to think of them as family.  They have slogans like:

“WHFY---We’re Here For You.”

“All you need to know, from our heart to yours.”

“Channel 8 is on your side.”

The implication is, “We’re not sure whose side those people over on channel 6 are on, but we’re on your side.” 

The news anchors visit area schools and read to children, run in community fund-raisers and volunteer at the local food bank.  Over time, as they join you each evening for supper and you listen to their pleasant banter about the weather and (whenever a cow makes news) their “udderly groan-worthy cow puns,” the anchors, let’s call them Tyler and Margaret, begin to feel like family---they become Uncle Ty and Aunt Margie.  You’re comfortable with them.  You kick off your shoes in their presence and they’re never bothered by it.  You read the paper while they’re talking, and they’re not offended.  Compared to other relatives, they have unique advantages. You don’t have to remember their birthdays.  They never ask if they can crash on your sofa bed for a few days, or if you would co-sign a loan for them.  They’re on your side.  You can count on them. They’re your Channel 8 family.

Then one evening you turn on the news and Aunt Margie is gone. 

Uncle Ty says, “Tonight we want to introduce you to our new co-anchor, Beverly Simpson.”

You’re thinking, “But where’s Aunt Margie?”  She’s just gone, and she left no forwarding address.  Beverly is here now, in Aunt Margie’s chair.

“What do you mean she’s gone?  She had dinner with us five nights a week. She was on our side, heart to heart---we were close; we were family.”

“Forget Aunt Margie; Beverly is your new aunt now.  She can banter about the weather too, and she has some cow puns you haven’t heard.  Yes, she mispronounces some of the names of nearby towns, but she’ll catch on.  She’s personable. They loved her in Savannah.”

“But I miss Aunt Margie.”

“You have to forget Aunt Margie.  Yes, she was a good co-anchor.  That’s why she was recruited to a larger market, but there’s a new aunt on your side.”

Then one day you’re in Cincinnati.  You turn on the local news, and it’s Aunt Margie!   You want to tell her you’re there.  You speak to the TV.   “Aunt Margie, it’s me, from Richmond.”    But she’s moved on.  She has a new family.  She’s on their side now!

Speaking of local news, who decided there would be three segments to every local broadcast, News, Sports and Weather?  In particular, I wonder, how did weather make it into the top three?  Okay, tell me if you think it might rain or snow tomorrow, that might take a few seconds, but why do I need to know that the high in Petersburg today was 82, but the high in Amelia was 79?  Am I supposed to be keeping a record of local temperatures?  Will I be summoned one day before the Meteorological Magistrates? 

“Just answer the question please.  Do you or do you not have a record of the temperature in Petersburg on July 2, 2025?”

“I believe I was in Ohio that day, Your Honorables.” 

“Can anyone vouch for you?”

“Well I did see my Aunt Margie in Cincinnati.”

Why not News, Sports and Groceries?  “Today, whole chicken prices were $1.99 a pound at Kroger, $1.89 a pound at Publix and $1.79 a pound at Food Lion.  A three-pound bag of Gala Apples is priced at $1.39 at Aldi’s.”  Wouldn’t that be more useful to the audience than to hear, “The highest temperature reached in Hopewell today was 92, but the feel-like temperature was 96?”  And by the way, we don’t know what 96 feels like, because whenever the temperature is 96, we’re told it feels like something else.

If we must have a weather segment, does that really require each local station to hire its own “Chief Meteorologist?”   Couldn’t we have one Chief Meteorologist for the whole viewing area that each station could check with?  “We checked with the mid-state Meteorologist, and he said, ‘Tomorrow looks partly cloudy, 50% chance of rain, high of 80, low of 65.’” 

And while we’re on the subject, I believe I’ve pointed out before that those who study meteors should never have been elevated to become the only go-to people for weather forecasting.  Yes, meteors and weather events have something in common; they all come from the sky, but so do birds.  Wouldn’t an Ornithologist have as good a chance of correctly predicting the weather as a Meteorologist?

Another thought about local news before we hear a word from our sponsor, have you noticed that when national networks broadcast films, local affiliates stretch to try to make a connection?

“How accurate is tonight’s movie, Reagan? Stick around at 11:00 to hear from a local man who actually met our fortieth president.”  But if you stay up past eleven to hear from this fellow (and you don’t hear from him until 11:26) you find he’s just a guy who happened to be in a restaurant when Reagan came in with some Secret Service agents.  The local fellow greeted the president and found him very gracious.  Sometimes, just like your at-home family, your local TV family gives you a bum steer. Here’s another:

“Stay tuned to Channel 8 after tonight’s presentation of ‘Jurassic World,’ when Dr. Thomas Lawson, Professor of Paleontology at the University of Virginia will discuss the possibility of cloning a T-Rex, and what impact that might have on our Channel 8 viewing family.” 

Let me put your mind at rest.  If we’re ever able to clone a T-Rex, it won’t have any impact upon our Channel 8 viewing family, because a hungry T-Rex will no doubt be drawn to a larger market, such as Cincinnati. That’s another reason to come home, Aunt Margie.  You’re welcome to use our sofa bed until you find your own place.

Believers in Christ are called to consider one another as family members.  Every believer, of whatever denomination, race or nationality, is to be recognized as a brother or sister in Christ.  The Apostle Paul got a bit more specific when he gave this counsel to Timothy, his “son in the faith,” who was serving as pastor of the church in Ephesus:

“Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity.” (1Timothy 5:1-2)

A young man who’s a follower of Christ has a simple test to guide him in a relationship with a young woman to whom he’s not married.  He should ask himself, “Am I treating her as a sister, with all purity?”

And a Christian has clear directions for interacting with older men and women.  Treat them as you’re called to treat your parents, with honor, kindness and respect, even when they make bad puns or give you a bum steer. 

“Hey----steer.  That could be considered a cow pun, right Tyler?”

“That’s right, new co-anchor Beverly.  I’d say we’re milking this bit for all it’s worth.”

NOTE: IF YOU ENJOYED THIS SLICE OF WRY BREAD (and yes, Tommy, I know the odds of that are not good) YOU WOULD PROBABLY ENJOY THE BOOKS, WRY BREAD and WRY BREAD II, ATTACK OF THE CLOWNS.  Each has about 30 stories of humor and inspiration, and each is available from Amazon for a bit more than $7.