FLORIDA MAN

Always on the lookout to jumpstart a Wry Bread story, I have turned my eye to the accounts of the hero of doofi* everywhere, Florida Man. If you haven’t yet done so, do an internet search for “Florida Man” and your birthday to see what crazy headline shows up (no not now, Tommy, when you’re done reading this).

Each of the following stories has been reported by a legitimate news source and can be found by a search for “Florida Man.”

February 8: “Florida Man Charged with Assault with a Deadly Weapon after Throwing Alligator through Wendy’s Drive-Thru Window.”  Presumably he was upset because there weren’t enough ketchup packets in his take-out bag.

November 12: “Florida Man Breaks into Restaurant, Strips Naked, Eats Noodles, Plays Bongos.”  The good news is, because the restaurant was closed, no customers were disturbed by the bongos.

“Florida Man Attempts to Trade a Live Alligator for a Beer.”  I’m guessing he was looking under his recliner for some beer money and all he could find was a gator.  He did not get a beer, but he did get a visit from a Fish and Wildlife Officer.  Now, if the gator had been able to play the bongos, the convenience store clerk might have made the trade.