History on Wry: Captain Smith and Pocahontas, Part One. Where's Pocahontas?

Our story begins in England, a small island which has the misfortune to be situated, not in the Mid-Pacific, as the more favored island of Hawaii, where there are moderate temperatures, clear skies, palm trees, and the happy citizens enjoy swimming in the ocean and driving on the right side of the road. England is in the North Atlantic, where it’s often cold and foggy, where no one in his right mind wants to swim in the ocean, and where the unhappy citizens must remember to drive on the wrong side of the road.  To make matters worse, for many years the English took comfort in the fact that at least their island was unsinkable; but then there was that unfortunate business regarding the "unsinkable" Titanic. Now they live in fear that an iceberg will send them to the floor of the Atlantic. For all the above reasons, and the fact that it’s within range of the German Luftwaffe, the English have been seeking places to relocate since an Oxford Professor conceived the word “emigrate.”

The year was 1607 (which actually makes it, curiously, not the 16^th, but the 17^th century).  Captain John Smith wanted to distinguish himself from all the other John Smiths in England at the time.  (As you may know, in 17^th century England, it was proverbial, “Throw yon chestnut, hit Jon Smith.”)  So, Captain Smith formed a group he called “The Virginia Company,” named after his illustrious monarch, Queen Virginia, the First of England, the Third of Scotland, the Sixth of Wales and the Twelfth of Never.  Smith’s plan was to convince a few wealthy merchants to finance a voyage west so he could try to find a New World (ideally, one named Virginia) which was not in constant threat from icebergs. There he would presumably be the only John Smith, and he could become a prosperous tobacco farmer.  Of course, Europeans had not discovered tobacco yet, but Smith had a dream. 

We join him in a meeting with potential investors:

“I shall apprise thee of my plan:  Ye men of heavy purses shall grant me enough sovereigns to purchase 3 sturdy ships (or the ships may be leased if thou canst find a deal with no high-mileage penalty). We shall thence sail west ‘til we find yon New World, yea, losing half our crew and passengers from disease on the perilous journey, for we shall fail to bring with us enough fresh fruit and water.  Those of us blessed by Providence to survive the journey will arrive too late in the year to plant crops.  But the friendly heathen will come to our aid.  Although we can offer them, at present, naught but colorful trinkets and diseases for which they have no resistance, they will welcome and honor us when they learn we’re from England; from whence we shall one day bring them James Bond, Harry Potter and Downton Abbey. They will share with us their food and fish-head fertilizer, and they will help us build a fort with high walls to keep out the native riff raff.”