My Royal Highness

 

I asked my wife to sit for a few minutes after supper.

“I have to tell you something important.”

“Okay.”

“I’ve wanted to tell you this for a long time, but I wasn’t sure you’d understand.”

“This sounds ominous.  What is it?”

“It’s not bad, but you might call it life changing.  Are you ready?”

“All ears.”

“I’m a royal.”

“You’re a what?”

“I’m a royal.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means as it sounds. After much soul-searching, I’ve concluded that I am in fact royalty, and I am not ashamed to say so.”

“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work that way.  You can’t just declare yourself to be royalty.  It’s the sort of thing you have to be born into.”

“Listen to yourself.  That’s so twentieth century.  You’re obviously not awake.”

“I’m not what?”

“You’re not awake.  You need to be awakened.  Someone needs to wake you.”

“I think you mean, I’m not ‘woke.’”

“That’s what I said.” 

“Not exactly.”

“Nonetheless, now that you know I’m a royal, I adjure you to use appropriate terms when addressing me.”

“You may adjure me all you wish, but I don’t know you’re a royal. In fact, I know you’re not a royal.”

“I have no intention of disputing this matter with you.  That would be demeaning to the throne, an insult to the monarchy.  Henceforth, acceptable terms when addressing me shall be: ‘Your Lordship, Your Majesty, Russell the First, Your Royal Highness.’”

“I see. I’m curious, Your Majesty, how long have you been aware that you are royalty?”

“Long have I suspected it.  You recall that production of Camelot we attended in the springtime of life?  I believe I knew then, on some level.  I identified with King Arthur.”

“Not with The King’s Fool?”

“Thou hast a quick tongue, Woman.  Perhaps a fortnight in the tower will slow its wagging.”

“Forgive me, Your Liege.  So, you’ve felt this way for over fifty years?”

“It is as you say.  O’er half a century I have shouldered this burden alone, knowing I am a royal in the body of a commoner.”

“You're right about one thing; your body is common enough." 

"Shall I summon the royal executioner?" 

"Twas a mere jest, Your Majesty. Have you spoken to your doctor about this?”

“In truth I have.”

 “I’m guessing he referred you to a psychiatrist?”

“Once again, your antiquated thinking is revealed.  My physician referred me to a Regalologist.

“A Rega-what?”

“A Regalologist, a specialist in all things regal.”

“I’ve never heard of such a being.”

“’There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.’  He provided a questionnaire to determine if I am truly a royal on the inside.  Attend to the first few questions:

• Do you ever feel that mundane household tasks are beneath your dignity?
• Do you think that people don’t always show you sufficient deference? 
• As a child, were you drawn toward horseracing, polo or playing ball sports on lawns?
• Are purple and red among your favorite colors?
• Do you tend to choose Caesar Salads over Garden Salads?
• Have you ever taken (or wanted to take) a Royal Caribbean Cruise?
• Do you think Corgis are adorable?

“The results confirmed that I am a royal.”

“I think your Royalist is royally confused.”

“You speak as the foolish women.  He is a Regalologist, and in truth, he is in the vanguard of Trans-Royal Research, having earned a Doctorate in Trans-Royal Studies from Cambridge.”

“Not Transylvania University?   Now that we know you’re a king, shall we have your throne moved from the bathroom to a more prominent spot?”

“This is how I feared you would respond.  This is why I have been living with this secret so long.  Is it too much to ask that a wife be supportive of her husband’s deepest convictions, a wife who, I might add, last provided a male heir over four decades ago?”  

“I’m sorry, Your Highness.  It’s just that this is all so unexpected.”

“Surely you must have seen some signs over the years.”

“Well, you’ve always acted as if we had servants to pick up after you, and you seem surprised when others don’t heed your decrees, but I just chalked that up to selfishness and conceit.”

“You are forgiven for thinking that way before you were enlightened.  One cannot be shocked when a commoner ascribes ignoble motives to the comportment of nobility.   But now that you have been informed that you are living in the presence of aristocracy, I trust you will grant Your Sovereign the honor his royal stature deserves.  So let it be written. So let it be done.”

Embracing the delusions of others is neither wise nor loving.  If Robert comes home from school one day and announces to his wise, loving parents that he believes he is George Washington, his parents will explain to him the truth.  George Washington was a historical figure that lived and died hundreds of years ago.  They will patiently endeavor to convince their son, with an abundance of factual evidence, that he is mistaken.  If they are unsuccessful on their own, they will arrange for counseling for him, because they know that his believing such a falsehood will bring him great harm.  The wise, loving parents will not begin to call their son “Mr. President,” purchase a white wig and colonial clothing for him, and consent to his desire to find a surgeon willing to subject him to a series of radical leg-lengthening surgeries in order to support his delusion.

Similarly, if Robert comes home from school one day and announces to his wise, loving parents that he believes he is a female, his parents will explain to him the truth.  He is in fact a male, and he has been so since conception.  The parents will patiently endeavor to convince their son, with an abundance of factual evidence, that he is mistaken.  If they are unsuccessful on their own, they will arrange for counseling for him, because they know that his believing such a falsehood will bring him great harm.  The wise, loving parents will not begin to call their son “Roberta,” purchase a wig and girl’s clothing for him, and consent to his desire to find a surgeon willing to subject him to a series of radical surgeries in order to support his delusion.

“My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.” (1 John 3:18)

“So, God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” (Genesis 1:27)

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