Baby Burger Blues

It's getting so that you can't even buy a burger without being asked to comment on the experience. For example, this survey appeared on my laptop this week:

Thank you for your recent visit to Baby Burger, America's first and best choice for pre-chewed burgers®  By answering a few brief questions, you can help us continue to be the leader in introducing infants to America's favorite food, and in allowing senior citizens to enjoy burgers thru their golden years.

Did you choose Baby Burger primarily for:                                                                                                 your baby, grandchild or great grandchild?                                                                                                 your parent, grandparent or great grandparent?                                                                                          a toothless infant or senior unrelated to you?                                                                                              yourself or your significant senior other?

Did your order include:                                                                                                                                 a burger in a bowl?                                                                                                                                                a burger in a bottle?                                                                                                                                            strained fries?                                                                                                                                                      mashed Alaskan cod?                                                                                                                          

Was your baby burger order pre-chewed to your baby's (or senior's) preferred consistency? _______

If our Baby Burger character Gerber Burger was in the restaurant handing out balloon burgers, did your infant or senior guest find him:                                                                                             delightful?                                                                                                                                                           a bit creepy?                                                                                                                                                      terrifying?

Not long after I dutifully responded, I received this message:

Thank you for providing feedback on your recent visit to Baby Burger, baby's first choice for pre-chewed burgers.

We know your time is valuable, and we are grateful that you took the time to complete our questionnaire. 

Please help us evaluate our questionnaire by answering these few brief questions:

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst questionnaire you have ever completed, and 10 being the best, please rate Baby Burger's questionnaire. _____

In your opinion, was the Baby Burger questionnaire that you completed:                                                                         a) too long.                                                                                                                                                          b) not long enough                                                                                                                                              c) just the right length.                                            

A passenger train is traveling east at 70 miles per hour, and a freight train is traveling west at 100 kilometers per hour.  The train traveling east is 42 miles west of the station, and the train traveling west is 63 kilometers east of the station. [Note: neither engineer has shown any inclination to keep the posted speed limit, which is 40 mph within ten miles of the station.]  Assuming there’s a Baby Burger restaurant in the station, which train would you expect to arrive at the Baby Burger first?   

That last one stumped me, as it seemed at first glance to involve Math.  But I finally went with the train traveling east, as it had passengers, who, I reasoned, would be more inclined to go to Baby Burger than freight.  I replied with my completed questionnaire.  Soon I received the following, which surprised me a bit for its frankness.                        

Thank you for your recent response. Only a very small percentage of our customers take the time to respond to a questionnaire concerning a previously completed questionnaire. At this point we might ask how likely it is that you would recommend Baby Burger to a friend. But our research indicates that since you chose to use your precious time filling out a survey such as this (which is literally a survey of a survey) it is unlikely that you have friends, or for that matter, any reason to get up in the morning.

Baby Burger cares about our customers, so we encourage you to consult a local religious leader or counselor without delay. If one is not available, you can call us on the BB hotline, day or night, at 888-BABY-BURG.  By the way, we have no idea which train would arrive in the station first, and in the big scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter.

Believers in Christ always have a reason to get up in the morning. We serve a faithful savior, who has promised never to leave us, even when the time comes for us to eat our burgers in bowls.                                                                                                                                               

Listen to me, O house of Jacob, and all the remnant of the house of Israel, who have been upheld by Me from birth, who have been carried from the womb: Even to your old age, I am He, and even to your gray hairs I will carry you!  I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will deliver you. (Isaiah 46:3-4)

Thank you for consuming this slice of Wry Bread. Answer the following questions about your Wry Bread experience and receive a code good for a free burger-in-a-bowl, valid at all participating restaurants: 

On a scale of 9-10, with 9 being superb and 10 excellent, please rate this slice of Wry Bread. _____

If you have not already become a follower of the Little Loaves blog, permitting you to receive each new slice of Wry Bread hot and fresh from the oven, are you now more or less likely to do so? _____ 

Share this link with your friends for a chance to receive an autographed 8x10 of the Baby Burger mascot, Gerber Burger.*

*Not recommended for children or adults who are easily frightened.